The post A long awaited update. appeared first on .

I’ve been taking a hiatus from posting on social or writing here as I grappled to wrap my head around the news we got in December. I won’t be updating on the recall stuff for a while as we figure out our plan of action, but in the meantime I’ve been hard at work prepping to transfer one of our two frozen embryos.

A recap, we did a retrieval in Nov and ended up with 2 frozen embryos – 1x Day 6 4BB and 1x Day 7 3CB. We waited in December to get to a point where we could begin our FET#5 protocol. The culmination of a lot of things have come together this time around. We did a biopsy in October of 2023 to shed some additional light on things that could aid in successful implantation (half our issue, the other half being embryo quality). That test resulted in a really intensive protocol for this FET.

My cycle started the first week of December and I was then on a mission to pinpoint ovulation using OPKs. I normally ovulate a bit later, on cycle day 15-20 on average. The holiday break was likely going to throw a wrench in our plans, and we’d have to skip a cycle. But it turns out I ovulated late on December 27 and we managed to scrape by the closure. The first step in our FET preparation came with a endometrial scratch (almost the same as the dreaded biopsy we did in Oct – ouch is all I can say) which was to take place in the luteal phase of my cycle PRIOR to the transfer cycle. I went in on January 3 for this procedure. Then, waited for my period to arrive to signal the start of the transfer month cycle. I had a bit of bleeding leading into my actual period and I wasn’t sure if it would actually come as normal or not. But, after 3 days of spotting, I got my full flow. It was go time.

This protocol is not for the faint of heart. I have dubbed it the Kitchen Sink Protocol for good reason. I immediately started on Estradiol pills. I took 2mg, three times a day for the first 6 days, then I added two vaginal Estradiol pills for a total of 10mg a day. Normally my lining is very thing, even on this dose, and takes 25+ days to get where it needs to (a minimum of 7mm for most clinics). I planned a little getaway to visit a friend in a different city 1200km away thinking I’d be in the clear for at least a couple of weeks. I went in for an ultrasound the day before I left on cycle day 8, and it turns out I was nearly ready! I was shocked. They scheduled me to come back in the day after I returned from my trip, 6 days later. I was ready to roll.

Now came the fun part (sarcasm), My protocol from that day forward has been pretty intense (I am currently still in the thick of it). I started taking Prometrium suppositories the following day (6 suppositories a day – 2 in morning, afternoon and evening), and also introduced progesterone in oil injections (worst, 1.5″ intramuscular needles for those who have forgotten) which are currently every 3 days. I am down to 2 oral Estradiol pills a day, morning and night. That’s all standard issue every time.

In addition to this, I have added the following:
– 81mg Aspirin a day
– On days 4,6 & 8 I take a HCG injection (Ovidrel) in the morning in my belly
– I take a vaginal priobiotic suppository daily (VagiCare)
– I have to have intercourse on the day before and after transfer
– On the day of transfer I begin another injection called Fragmin (basically heparin) in the belly in the morning. I take this until either negative beta bloodwork, or until 12 weeks if our cycle is successful (in addition to the Prometrium, Estradiol and Progesterone in Oil).

Our transfer is also taking place on day 6 vs day 5, due to some results that came back from my ERA results suggesting I should have an extra day of progesterone.

I have also completely cut caffeine this cycle, cut back sugar and have been eating a cleaner diet. Add in Brazil nuts, beet juice and pomegranate juice.

Phew.

So here we are. After 5 embryos lost, 2 miscarriages and 3 Egg Retrievals, to say I am jaded is an understatement. I still have hope, but its minimal. More so, I have a resilience that just keeps me moving forward. Once you have been on the track for a while it’s easier to stay on it than take a break (in my opinion). I’m not sure I’d have in it me to continue if we stopped now. In my head I already have the next steps planned out for when this fails. But if it doesn’t fail, I’ll be over the moon. Managing expectations at this stage of the game is crucial for me though.

I thought back this week when I was walking around a baby store for a friend – two years ago almost to the week we began this journey. Prior to that, my hopes were so high. We went window shopping for all the baby stuff we’d buy. I made a baby registry to keep track of it all. I had boughed a fancy electric bassinet online. Some sleepers (thank god I stopped there). Now, I won’t even let myself go there in my mind. If we have success again I am really afraid the process will steal all the joy from the experience, but of course I’ll be grateful every single day.

Our transfer is scheduled for Jan 31. Because of my HCG injections I won’t be able to test at home, and have to wait an excruciating 13 days for my results. I’ll have all my fingers and toes crossed that our rainbow will appear through the clouds.

The post Frozen Embryo Transfer #5 appeared first on .

This holiday season I amped up my Christmas spirit behaviours, arranging Christmas hampers for moms in need, finding ways to connect and help those in my life and by taking on loads of lovely family shoots and holiday weddings. I had such high hopes for my mood, my resilience, which until now has fared pretty well, all things considered. 

None of it worked. 

I was pretty happy with our retrieval results in Late Nov/Early Dec. We celebrated our birthdays, made it out to holiday gatherings and then we got some absolutely shit news. News we never expected to receive. 

On Dec 22 I received a call from my doctor at 7:30am. I missed the call because I was sleeping. He didn’t leave a message. He called back again a half an hour later, and this time I picked up, knowing something had to be going on. It was the day before the clinic was closing for the holiday break for 11 days. I answered the phone. 

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Our egg retrieval cycle in November was impacted by a worldwide embryo culture media recall by Cooper Genomics due to faulty/toxic composition. My heart sunk.

Embryo culture media is the substance they use in the petri dishes they grow and fertilize the embryos in. It mimics the environment of the body so embryos get what they need to grow and thrive to blast stage in those early days (0-7). It’s crucial in the growth of blasts. 

At first I felt torn about it. He said it could explain some of the poor results we’ve had (hey, I thought we did okay considering our last cycle). He said we should have expected more embryos from our eggs and fertilization results. He said that he isn’t sure how our existing embryos are impacted (WHAT?!) and the rest of the ones that were growing likely died due to the recalled media. He still thought we should do a transfer in the new year, but wasn’t sure what the company issuing the recall would end up doing (covering a replacement cycle? Financial compensation?). The only relief I felt was that maybe we could have another shot at our own bio child if another cycle was covered. I hung up the phone. 

Over the last couple of days, time has slowed down. My mind has been flooded with more questions than answers, like what impact that toxic culture could have on our existing embryos and if they are even usable. If I’m running out of time waiting for a resolution from Cooper Genomics, which could take a year or more. If I even WANT to do another retrieval since I had come to terms with donor eggs if these embryos didn’t work for us. I started thinking about the emotional toll this could take. 

Without realizing it over the last few days I’ve been spiralling. My mood is not great. I feel hopeless, despite having embryos, I’m very nervous the recalled media could have totally messed them up somehow, which we have no way of knowing. The genetics might be okay in them, but what lasting effects could this have on a potential baby that results from using them? How much time and money has been spent on this past cycle to potentially have a failure, despite getting embryos? 

My heart feels like it has been ripped from my chest. 

So back to Christmas. This year despite all of my efforts to be resilient, this holiday season I am absolutely miserable. I’m keeping busy. I’m distracting myself but I keep coming back to a complete and utter inability to feel joy. To feel anything but doom and sadness. To feel like I have been cursed with the curse of all curses. Paying for the mistakes of all those who have come before me. Unlucky as shit. 

So for once I’m going to not find the silver lining – not today anyway. I’m going to tell you that sometimes life is just a huge asshole and nothing can help make things feel better or worthwhile. Those of us with persistent infertility keep putting one foot in front of the other. We struggle while all those around us move on, living their lives. Experiencing things, enjoying things, meanwhile we’re sitting in a puddle of our own sorrows, wondering if we will ever get the chance to feel those feelings our parent friends have experienced. To feel the joy our hearts can’t live without. I’m going to keep wading through the shit, but underneath the strong exterior is a person who is becoming more broken with every piece of bad news. Cracked in ways I’m not sure I can repair, whether we have success or not. This process has stolen something from me that I cannot describe. 

So here we forge into the darkness as we watch everyone around us share their joy and happiness. Plastered over social media. 80000 photos of children, babies, loving families gathering together while we sit alone. Today I got an ad for a lifelike baby doll online. That’s where I’m at. 

Infertility is a fucking thief. Of time, you of money, of joy and of hope. It has stolen every bit of it from me. I don’t know how much longer I can do this life this way. 

The post Something, something, peace, love, joy. appeared first on .

This cycle was big because having done two before, it was THE determining factor with how we’d move forward. Our first cycle was ridiculously successful, although we never brought a baby home from it and it brought loss into our lives again. We had a false sense of confidence going into cycle 2. Cycle 2 tanked. So many eggs, so many fertilized, and it resulted in nothing but two 5 day poorly graded blasts which wouldn’t have made it to freezing. This cycle was the one to tip the scales. Was #1 lucky? Was #2 unlucky?

We threw the kitchen sink at our protocol. Saizen/Omnitrope, different priming, different meds, a different clinic, lab and doctor. I cleaned my diet up entirely for this determining cycle.

Well folks, the verdict is out. Cycle 1 was pure luck. Cycle 2 was unlucky, but not far off. Cycle 3….

We retrieved 14 eggs.
13 were usable/mature.
10 Fertilized
2 Embryos were frozen

We got two embryos. One day 6 4BB grade (picture perfect), and one less great embryo on day 7, a 3CB. Both usable. Not AMAZING or anything, but we have 2 shots we didn’t have before at having a bio child.

The stats (which I no longer trust, because I always end up on the wrong side of them) say that at my age (38, until tomorrow!), our 4BB has a 35% chance of live birth and our 3CB has a 25% chance. (source). I shared some info before, but here’s how it panned out in this study (it doesn’t note the day of the embryo, but day 7 tend to be less likely overall).

We haven’t decided whether we’d like to forge ahead as planned with a double transfer when the time comes, as the preparation is really extensive, but that’s a convo we will have with the doctor once we begin our priming for transfer #5.

So that’s where we’re at. We have a long-ish wait for transfer. Our clinic closes for the holidays so unless my cycle starts like yesterday, we will be looking at a 1.5-2 month transfer protocol prior on top of waiting another cycle to pass, so potentially 2-3 months to go before anything happens.

I truly hope year 39 brings more joy than sorrow. Today is my last day of 38, and I am more than ready to let this year be done, along with this stage in our journey.

In the meantime I’ll still be sharing here. Infertility doesn’t just cease to make you feel things when you’re in limbo. I also hope to share some more resources as the next month or so passes by (it also keeps me busy!).

Thanks to you all for continually checking in and following my journey. It has been the silver lining to this experience. Be sure to subscribe if you want a quick email when new posts drop!

The post Egg Retrieval #3 – The Results appeared first on .

Last we left off, I had gone in for my monitoring appointment on stims day 8. Things were looking good, slow and steadily where they should be based on my previous cycles and my doctor’s expectations. The doctor had me scheduled to be back on Monday, November 20. In my previous cycles I stimmed for 11 days and 13 days, so I suspected I’d be in that range again, but with a new protocol and different meds, it was hard to say.

I went back to the clinic on Monday and things had progressed nicely.

Day 10 Follicles: 18mm, 17mm, 16mm, 15mm, 14mm, 14mm, 13mm, 13mm, 12mm, 12mm, 11mm, 11mm, 11mm, 7mm

The doctor wanted me back on Tuesday, and said it was now time to monitor me daily for progression and timing my trigger shot to mature the eggs. The next morning I had another ultrasound and measured as follows:

Day 11 Follicles: 19mm, 14mm, 14mm, 9mm, 17mm, 12mm, 15mm, 14mm, 13mm, 14mm, 15mm, 14mm, 11mm, 9mm (measurements seemed a bit funky on this day, but it’s all an estimate anyhow)

Annnd again on Wednesday Nov 22:

Day 12 Follicles: 21mm, 19mm, 19mm, 16mm, 15mm, 12mm, 13mm,, 15mm, 15mm, 16mm, 17mm, 11mm, 13mm, 18mm, 16mm, 10mm, 6mm, 5mm

On Day 12 of stims, my doctor let me know it was go time. I’d be finishing my stim meds that day, and taking my trigger shot that evening. They’d call me later in the day with a time for my shot, and I picked it up from my clinic dispensary.

A challenging part of living on an island is having to get off it to go to these big appointments like the retrieval of transfer. Especially on short notice. We booked a ferry and hotel for that following day, for our retrieval on Friday November 24.

I got my instructions for my trigger shot around 3pm in the afternoon. I was to take 3 injections (totally different from my previous protocol of 1 shot), consisting of a GnRHa and hCG. The kicker, I had to take it at 1:30am! My retrieval appointment would be Friday at 12pm approximately. Staying up that night after my 7:45am appointment that morning was no cake walk. I am normally a night owl, but when I am up earlier than normal it throws me for a loop. I did everything I could to stay awake, and finally 1:30am arrived and I took my shots.

Similar to my previous cycles, I tested the next morning to see if the trigger took, using a pregnancy test. There is was, that double pink line indicating it had worked. I packed my bags, packed up the dog for boarding, and we were off for the ferry.

When we have retrievals on the mainland, it’s recommended to book 1-2 nights in hotel, at the very minimum the night before the retrieval since it’s such a time sensitive thing. We decided to YOLO and we stayed for three nights.

My husband’s appointment for his sperm collection was at 8:30am, so he went solo and did his thing, and came back to get me. We went together to the clinic for my appointment and I went in right away to start prep for my procedure. I had never been to this particular clinic before, so it was all new to me – the processes, environment, nurses, etc. Some people had their partners there to accompany them, but I tend to want to just get it over with and not make a fuss about it, so I went in solo. My husband waited in the lobby and eventually went for a walk around the area while he waited for me.

Things were running a little behind, but I got placed in my little room, separated by a curtain, which had a chair, blanket, and my outfit for the day (this clinic lets you keep your top/socks on, and you just remove the bottoms and put on a skirt of sorts and booties for your feet). I got an Ativan, tylenol and gravol, juice and cookies, and the nurse eventually placed my IV. I waited for about an hour in a bit of a daze before they called me to head into the OR. I walked with my IV stand, and they got me in position for the procedure.

The biggest difference this time around was that the sedation was different. Quite different. It was the same meds, but a lower dosage. They warned me in advance that my previous clinic’s dosage was quite high and not the norm for them. This sedation would be more mild, I’d be more conscious and I’d feel a bit more. They prepared me for what to expect and started my medication drip.

I felt a bit woozy immediately, like I was seeing double. They placed the speculum, did what I assume was local freezing in my hooha (this hurt like a bad pinch), and then they gave it a moment and started the retrieval. Unlike my previous two cycles, I remember the whole thing and I felt it, albeit in a dull and subdued way. I experienced a few very intense cramps, similar to my biopsy the month prior (with no meds). Similar intensity, which tells me the meds took some of the edge off as I expected this procedure to hurt a lot more (it definitely does if not sedated). I remember the girl in the room next to me came back from her retrieval before I went in for mine and she was sobbing, wimpering and crying in pain. This freaked me out a bit but it did make me prepare for the worst.

The procedure wasn’t a dreamy sleep land like I felt before, it sucked frankly. But it was fast, and before I knew it the doctor was finished and I was walking back to my little curtained room. They placed what looked like a puppy pad below me when I sat down, and I experienced some spotting which I noticed after. I sat for about 30 minutes while they monitored me to make sure all was well, and waited for the results of the retrieval. For some reason they tipped me back in my chair with my feet in the air (no idea why) and I texted my husband to come meet me shortly, and they brought him back to walk out with me when I was ready to go.

Drum roll please….

My third retrieval yielded 14 eggs. This is more than my first two cycles where I got 13 each (more isn’t always better necessarily, the more you have the lower the quality can be in women of a certain age). I was pleased to hear this and was told that I’d receive a call the next day to update me on maturity and fertilization. The hunger games have now begun.

I went back to the hotel and rested for a bit, but not after gorging myself on A&W which was conveniently located in the building that my clinic was in. I took it easy for a bit, and then we decided to go for a walk since I got a surge of energy. The meds had worn off by this point and I popped a couple of tylenol in case pain started up. I felt some mild discomfort, but ended up being okay. We walked about 2km (probably not my best idea ever), went to a few record stores and grabbed a coffee before heading back to the hotel. I then proceeded to eat an entire big bag of kettle chips before nodding off to sleep. The bloating was a bit bad overnight, and I was definitely uncomfortable, but I survived and was ready to hear our results.

The post The Third IVF Egg Retrieval appeared first on .

After about a year of trying to conceive, a failed IVF transfer and a few embryos on ice, I decided to call in the experts, and by experts I mean a really reputable naturopath dealing with fertility patients. Why a naturopath and not my GP you ask? Because in my part of the universe (British Columbia, Canada), there is a health care and housing crisis and you may wait for years for a family doctor. So, Naturopath it was. Not to mention, most GPs will not support the use of supplements because they aren’t FDA or Health Canada approved or monitored for quality control – I learned this recently, apparently supplements can completely lie about what’s in them (within reason) and get away with it. Shop at your own risk.

Not everyone believes in supplements, and that’s totally fine. I don’t in a lot of cases, however in the case of my infertility, I am of the mind that it cannot harm my odds. Especially those backed by science. So here I’ll do my best (as a person who failed science in high school) to break down what science I found around taking these mysterious pills.

Currently my IVF supplement list is as follows and has come from a few sources – I have found scholarly articles and studies on some of them, my naturopath suggested others, and the book “It Starts with the Egg”, which is highly controversial, recommended a few others. I didn’t take this book as gospel by any means but it has helped break down some of the science for me.

Also note, some of these are good for pregnancy as is, or trying to conceive, while others benefit blastocyst production and the endometrium for IVF/Assisted Reproductive Technology patients.

• Daily Prenatal Vitamin (not brand specific, although I am currently taking Materna because it also contains a small amount of Iron and I need as much Iron as I can get without taking a hefty supplement (IBS be damned).
• Fish Oil/Omega 3-6-9 – I am taking 1000mg of this a day. (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9308390/, https://www.fertstert.org/article/S0015-0282(19)30810-6/fulltext)
• CoQ10 in the form of the readily absorbed Ubiquinol – a very large dose during egg retrievals of 600 mg a day, split into 3 doses a day of 200mg each. (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5870379/, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6210096/)
• Active Folate – Methylated Folic Acid 1mg (also more readily absorbed than regular Folic Acid) (more so for regular pregnancy should it occur, but it could also help IVF https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4172634/)
• L-Arginine – MASSIVE dose of this for egg retrieval – 6000 mg a day. It can get costly. I find the capsules to be the easiest to stomach, but you can also consider a powder supplement mixed in liquid, but it is BITTER. I mix with a ton of lemon or lime juice and water when I do the powder. I try to do capsules whenever possible though. I also try to mix this throughout the day to make it easier to handle. (https://academic.oup.com/humrep/article/14/7/1690/2913125, https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32977253/)
• Vitamin E – 400 mg (https://www.imrpress.com/journal/CEOG/48/2/10.31083/j.ceog.2021.02.2207/htm, it is also good for sperm quality (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34671676/)
• Zinc 15-25 mg (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8599883/, also good for male fertility and immune response)
• Vitamin C 1000 mg (Great for post FET https://www.longdom.org/open-access-pdfs/effect-of-post-embryo-transfer-vitamin-c-supplementation-on-the-outcome-of-invitro-fertilization.pdf, https://egyfs.journals.ekb.eg/article_170463_2d039f08729155c6101049ea92985f35.pdf)
• Women’s Probiotic – I take Renew Life Ultimate Flora Women’s Extra Care Probiotic because it has a really good mix of the flora you want for your lady bits, and it is a large dose at 50 billion. (the studies are mixed on this, but I take it as a just in case, and for my IBS and gut health. Some doctors will actually recommend a vaginal suppository of probiotics specific to the vaginal flora to help balance bacteria, mine included. This dose is a ten day of FloraSAP and it is taken before FET).
• NAC (n-acetyl-l-cysteine) 600 mg (https://egyfs.journals.ekb.eg/article_170463_2d039f08729155c6101049ea92985f35.pdf, https://www.fertstert.org/article/S0015-0282%2804%2901904-1/fulltext)
• Vitamin B12 200 mcg (https://raf.bioscientifica.com/view/journals/raf/4/3/RAF-23-0015.xml)
• Vitamin D3 2500 IU (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8969598/)
• 81mg Aspirin (low dose – NOTE – check with your doctor before taking this, and absolutely advise any medical professionals that you’re taking it as it can effect your procedures (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5604627/,
  
  This is also a really good article on a number of supplements and their uses for fertility: https://academic.oup.com/humupd/article/13/2/163/661418

A caution for those taking supplements for egg retrieval and FET – consult your fertility doctor because some of these supplements should not be taken during pregnancy or in preparation for it. Some may simply have no effect, and there’s no need to take them once retrieval has been completed (or IUI!).

So there we have it, the 700 pills I take a day. I recommend doing the research yourself to decide if any of these are right for you or not. At this stage in our IVF journey I’ll take any help I can get so I was willing to use the kitchen sink approach.

The post IVF Supplements – What I am taking appeared first on .

When you go an IVF cycle, as you may know by now, Wanda becomes your friend (as in the intravaginal ultrasound wand). What people don’t always know is how often you go, what happens when you get there, and the etiquette around being in your birthday suit in a doctors office.

Today was my first monitoring appointment for cycle 3. I am at my new clinic so things are a little different, so I thought I’d share.

So far in cycle 3, I have felt a LOT of different things physically. On about day 3 of stims (I am now on day 8), I started feeling a lot of ‘movement’ in my ovaries. When I say movement, some people may have not felt this sensation before, but since my very first miscarriage, I have always felt my ovaries doing every little thing. During a normal unmedicated cycle, during IVF especially, and as the follicles grow I can feel them almost pulsating in my abdomen. It’s super bizarre. It’s like a pressure and a twinge all at once.

So the movement began. I also started getting beyond exhausted from just about nothing at all, and any sort of sudden movement or compression/twisting of my torso felt super uncomfortable. This is perfectly normal, and the clinics generally ask that you avoid any strenuous activity during stims as a result. Doing so can risk ovarian torsion, which I can’t attest to, but I does not sound like something I’d like to feel for myself.

The ovaries can reach sizes of 4-5 inches each when you stimulate them via IVF, which is why your stomach expands, your bowels decide to stop working properly, and you are sometimes in discomfort as you lead up to the retrieval.

So monitoring appointment one. I went in today on day 8. I knew my body was responding to the meds simply from how I was feeling, but you go into these appointments so blindly regardless. It’s probably best that way, because you can speculate and fixate on so much during IVF. The appointments are always super early, and today on a Saturday it was at 8am. I am NOT a morning person, so these are always painful for me.

I arrived, got called into the changing area (at my clinic it is separate from the ultrasound room), and then once I was ready got called into the monitoring room. When you do these monitoring appointments you have to undress from the waist down, and a sheet is provided to cover up with, as well as booties at this clinic so you aren’t walking around in bare feet. I laid down on a bed next to the ultrasound machine, like any other ultrasound. The only difference is the stirrups you use, and well – you can picture the rest. Hello Wanda my old friend.

At this clinic I like it a lot because they don’t keep you in the dark about what is happening and what everything looks like. There’s a giant TV on the wall and you can observe exactly what the doctor is doing as they measure your follicles. Here’s what the screen might look like:

Each of those big black orbs are follicles, and in those follicles is where your eggs hopefully reside and grow. At each monitoring appointment they take precise measurements of each follicle. Sometimes clinics will do a preliminary count of these before you begin stims. Some don’t. Mine did not.

Today things looked really really good. We found a similar number of follicles to what I am used to getting, around 16 this time (normally I have had 14, but it’s possible some duplicates exist in there due to the challenges of identifying the individual ones. The doctor measured them as I watched.

In IVF it’s imperative that you don’t develop a ‘lead’ follicle. During a regular cycle outside of IVF, your body produces many follicles, but the largest wins. The rest don’t stand a chance, and the largest becomes the egg that gets released that cycle. The rest of the follicles change after ovulation to produce hormones to support a potential pregnancy. When we do IVF, we want all of the follicles to grow at a similar rate for ideal retrieval of similarly sized mature eggs. Usually one tries to take over but certain meds keep them growing steadily. Sometimes it takes a few tries to avoid a lead follicle. In the past, my lead follicles haven’t jumped too far ahead and haven’t hindered the overall collection of eggs. But what they can do is hinder egg quality. So slow and steady wins the race with IVF.

Today on day 8 of stims my follicle count was 16, and my follicles ranged in these sizes (in mm): 14, 13, 13, 13, 11, 11, 10, 10, 10, 9, 9, 9, 9, 8, 8, 8

In previous cycles by now I have had follicles 16-18mm with others as low as 5-6mm. My doctor seemed super pleased with this result today, as it showed I am responding to the meds in the way he had hoped, and they are slow and steady. Our hope is that keeping things even keel will help in our egg quality.

When I go in for these appointments I try to remind myself to hold back on talking too much during the measurements, because I can imagine keeping track of all the follicles – if you have more than a few growing (and it’s not always a numbers game, sometimes fewer follicles and eggs is better for quality) – can be frustrating for the doctors and nurses. Our doctor luckily gives us the time and space to ask questions once we finish up.

I got dressed and picked up my additional meds at the dispensary within the clinic. Ours dispenses enough medications for 9 days of stims, then goes from there day by day so you don’t over purchase medications. They aren’t cheap, averaging about $700+ Canadian Dollars a day (and of course most insurance does not cover fertility meds).

I skipped back to my car, happy that the different meds and protocol still yielded some good looking follicles. So much is still unknown, and that’s the hardest part of the journey. Whether they will continue to grow on track, whether they will be mature once retrieved, whether they will fertilize and whether they will reach blastocyst stage. Each step gets you closer to your baby, but the waits feel excruciating and the lack of control can be discouraging.

I head back on Monday for my next monitoring appointment, usually spaced just 1-2 days apart in case any big jumps in growth occur. Fingers crossed we stay on course!

The post IVF Monitoring – Appointment #1 appeared first on .

I started my stims on Saturday Nov 11th for our third egg retrieval. I joked last cycle that I could do egg retrieval stims forever, I just hated transfers. But then we had a cycle failure, and now it all feels a lot more stressful to endure with the knowledge that it very well could fail again.

“Think positive thoughts!” they say. I have tried my friends, oh have I tried. I do have hope, but it’s not blind. It’s realism with a sprinkle of hope. Annnd maybe a sprinkle of pessimism at times. But I swear I try to keep it skewed towards hope.

The thing that surprises me about this attempt is that I am in it, but it doesn’t feel like I am in it. I guess I have gotten slightly desensitized to the act of injecting myself multiple times a day, and I have gotten so used to being on this rollercoaster that it all just feels normal to me. That is a bit sad to think about. I never wanted this to be my normal.

So far the medications this cycle have been tolerable. My priming meds had zero side effects, which is WONDERFUL, because I had primed with birth control previously (this time testosterone and estrogen), and birth control is my nemesis. It did such a number on my mood and thoughts. I felt depressed and moody constantly. I felt normal, maybe even better than normal on this new combo. I stopped my priming meds on November 7 and began my stims on Nov 11.

Stims so far have been… okay. This time I have to take injections in the AM and PM (diff meds). Right now, one injection in the morning, along with 5 pills, and then supplements (19) mid day, and another two injections and 2 pills before bed. I felt great day 1-2. Day 3 I started to get fatigued and also got really stomach sick (could have been IBS, but it hasn’t been bad lately so not totally sure). It sure beats constipation though, which I know is on its way. Day 4 (today) I have been wiped of energy entirely. Just tanked. Walking the dog was a feat and I was yawning all day.

There are a few things/rituals I am doing this cycle. I figured I’d share my routine here in case it helps anyone on their own journey.

– I am taking 8 million supplements (I’ll do a deep dive into these in my next post). I will mention that my doctor has me on CoQ10 (Ubiquinol 600mg a day, taken 3x daily, and 2x 81mg Aspirin – not recommended unless your doctor directs you)
– I have been doing acupuncture with a fertility specific practitioner who also did IVF herself, initially weekly during priming, and now twice weekly during my stim protocol. Some people doubt the effectiveness of acupuncture since it doesn’t give super immediate or visible results, but studies have shown it can help with blood flow to the uterus, and it has benefited those doing embryo transfers (some studies below).
– Exercise – I have been *trying* to do a minimum of 20-30 mins of low intensity exercise daily. Whether I am working my butt off at a photo session, or walking the dog on a brisk walk, having the goal helps. This also gets the blood flowing.
– My acupuncturist (actually, her alternate who I booked during her time away) suggested doing a hot foot bath in the evening, covering up to your lower calf with hot water for 10-15 mins, then laying down and elevating the legs above the chest/head for 10-15 mins. Apparently in Chinese medicine this can be shown to help with blood flow and getting fluids moving through your body/liver. It also helps with sleep!
– Fluids – Lots of them. I am notorious for not getting thirsty but during stims I have to be careful with my liquid intake, or I’ll get suuuuuper constipated. More on the in the next point.
– Fibre. So much fibre. I try to add things that are bulking agents to my diet during stims, whether its psyllium husk, or more nutritionally dense things like chia seeds, hemp seeds (this combo always gets things moving along), peas, etc. It’s better to have soluble fibre or bulking nutrient rich foods than things like colace, restoralax or similar. Pro tip – start fibre long before you *need* it. Even with my regimen I still get painfully backed up by retrieval time.
– Sleep – Sleep as much as humanly possible. I sleep a lot anyway. I have always been this way, requiring 8-9 hours minimum a night – during stims I sleep 9-10 ideally.

So my schedule has basically been monopolized with all of these tasks each day. If I am lucky I have time to go to the bathroom or get some work done (jokes, but it feels this way some days). It makes me wonder how so many people do it. I am grateful I make my own schedule and have nobody to answer to but myself and my clients (who are the best for the record).

What are your rituals/habits for Egg Retrieval in IVF? I’d love to hear them!

Acupuncture studies for IVF and FET:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4458185/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7142313/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6918533/

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Some past piecemeal costumes include:
– Mad Scientist (when I worked as a photo lab technician in my university days, and had the lab coat lying around)
– Scarecrow (orange plaid came in handy)
– Sally from the Nightmare Before Christmas, because it was the last costume available on Halloween at Spirit
– A tiger, 2 years running – it’s a onesie with a face and tail

My costumes are perfect for handing out candy to kids. My decorations are equally lacklustre, but it works. We don’t get many kids as we live on a busy road with no sidewalk on our side of the road, but the kids we do get are welcome and greeted by one of the above characters with a generous handful of candy.

This year I have been a bit bitter, and I decided not to do it. Any of it.

It’s times of year like this that really get me in the feels. The times when people get together with their families and friends and have fun together. When you’re going through IVF and your news becomes bad every time someone asks, you stop getting invited to events. You stop getting texts and check-ins. People start avoiding you. Your friends with kids take a step back so they don’t trigger you, and your friends without kids frankly don’t want to hear about your struggles to have them. Everyone moves in a direction that is away from where you’re planted, stuck. This year has been hard.

So I decided not to do it. Until 3pm on Oct 31. I decided then, that I had to do it.

On went the tiger costume. I put a lion’s mane on my dog and we got to decorating.

We got two kids (our twin neighbours). TWO kids. I haven’t decided if the universe has given me the finger, or if it’s a blessing in disguise. I am also off sugar for my upcoming retrieval, so I can’t even eat all the candy. FML.

Holidays and celebrations are hard when you’re living in limbo. There’s no other way to put it. It’s isolating AF. I know I am not the only one experiencing this, so I write this to let you know you aren’t alone. I am sure I am not the only sad IVF casualty sitting in their dark living room in a tiger costume… or am I?!

Happy Halloween friends.

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We decided after our biopsy cycle to move ahead as soon as possible. On Oct 3 we began to plan for a new Egg Retrieval with our new clinic. One hail Mary to see if we can create embryos again, this time on a different protocol altogether.

So far we have sank tens of thousands of dollars into this endeavour. It’s like playing the lottery, but not knowing if there’s actually a prize to be won or not. I have counted many things I could have spend my money on, but didn’t. Many experiences I have not had or had to forgo because of treatment and the dream of bringing home a baby of our own one day. It puts me in a bit of an ethical dilemma every time we forge ahead and put more investment into this. This money could be spent in a lot of ways, either on our future or by using it to help others. For now, we have made the decision that this is still important to us, and although sometimes we feel guilty about using our funds this way, I know people who toss their money out the window in worse ways, so that gives me a bit of peace in the decision. (for those wondering, 3 cycles will put us at about 70k CAD without any transfers – bye to my salary for a year).

Egg Retrieval 3.

As soon as I got a bleed from my mock cycle, about 3 days before I stopped the medication, I called the clinic for my cycle day 1 (CD1). Just like that I was on another adventure. The nurse immediately faxed my prescription to my pharmacy and we were off to the races.

This time I am set to do priming for 35 days. A mix of Androgel (testosterone) and Estradiol, followed by a week of provera to induce a period. I am currently on day 26 of this priming.

On October 31 I head into the clinic for injection training (not that I need it at this point, but it’s protocol), and to pick up my stim medications. I’m scheduled to start those on November 11, the day I begin my Christmas mini sessions of all things (hah!). Last year I also had to do stims during my mini sessions. I was SO bloated and so exhausted. This time it’s just day one of stims so hopefully I’ll feel fine for a few days before the side effects kick in full force and the bloating begins.

My protocol for Egg Retrieval #3 is as follows:

Day 1-5

• Aspirin 81mg mg, Take two tablets of Asprin 81mg daily, for a total of 162mg.
  Saizen Inject 0.5 mL (1 mg) subcutaneously
• Rekovelle 12.00 mcg subcutaneously
• Menopur 225 IU subcutaneously

Day 6+

• Cetrotide 0.25 mg subcutaneously
• Rekovelle 12.00 mcg subcutaneously

Trigger day (TBD)

• Dual trigger TBD dosage

The medication types are similar to retrieval 1 & 2 but the priming, constitutions and dosage differs quite a bit.

Technicalities aside, I am somehow feeling hope again. I think nearly a year of trying to conceive naturally and coping with the ups and downs of testing, to be let down again and again, has set me up to be able to handle the emotions of IVF – it isn’t the case for everyone, but I somehow have been able to compartmentalize this part of my life and hold my grief and frustration simultaneously with hope. One day, maybe that won’t be the case. It does get harder each time we have a loss or a failure, but over time our path becomes more clear and as we get more answers and results (or lack thereof), I think we will begin to feel confident in the directions we are taking.

IVF has been a very reactionary process. As much as I’d love to plan ahead and say “I will only do X number of retrievals, put $X into this”, you truly don’t know until you’re faced with that very moment and the emotions that come with it. As logical as you want to be, the hope for your future, the vision you have for your life, the person you become through the process (and god has this process changed me) will dictate those next steps as you reach those individual markers or decisions in your journey.

Today, the way I feel is that if this cycle fails we may try the donor egg route, which is a whole other path and life for us if that’s where we end up. But that’s something we will only know when the time comes to make the call. It will also be a hard route, knowing I’ll have to grieve the loss of my own fertility (if it was ever there to begin with, who knows). The loss of a biological connection, the loss of a stage of my life. But I am so damn ready to enter the next stage. A stage that doesn’t involve endless limbo with my body failing me.

So for now I’ll stay in the realm of hope. I’ll do everything in my power to make this cycle count and to give it my best shot, because that’s all we can do when these things are so very out of our control.

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